I am not one of those people who claim to be a better driver than everybody else and then drive like shit. I am the kind of driver that drives very conscientiously and, as a matter of fact, I do drive better than most other people, thank you very much. Now, I don’t deny that my driving surely annoys some people, namely those who are behind me as I approach a red light or slow traffic ahead, and I just coast to get to my ultimate destination: the inevitable complete stop so many yards ahead. I mean, you do see what’s coming up ahead, no? Why push on the gas when there is nowhere I’m getting to fast? If I’m going to stop anyway, or at the very least slow down, then why waste precious petrol getting there any faster? I say coast all the way there and perhaps, maybe, the light and/or traffic up ahead will start moving by the time I get there. Okay? So I do and will take my time under such circumstances. I must say I look over at disdain at those drivers who accelerate only to stop at the red light just ahead. Nice one, asshole! You got there two-seconds faster than you would’ve had you not punched the accelerator!
So that was my disclaimer. I do annoy other people, no doubt, but not in an egregious manner. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been driving and noticing more and more how shitty other people drive. They don’t give a fuck about you or anybody else. The majority of shitty drivers are just out for themselves, getting to their destination no faster than they would have had they driven like a sane person. But no, they have to put others at risk and drive like maniacs, weaving in and out of traffic. Hey motherfucker, how ‘bout you pick a goddamn lane?
The worst, however, might be those individuals who try to be nice and let people in when they absolutely shouldn’t. We’ll start right here. So you’re driving on a regular road and someone’s trying to make a left turn from the opposite direction. Oh. Let me play traffic director! “Go ahead: you can turn.” NO! Don’t do it unless 1.) you’re not holding up a bunch of other people and there’s nowhere else for you to go because traffic ahead of you is backed up anyway, and 2.) you’re in a two-lane road, meaning one lane going one way and the other lane coming from the other direction. If it’s a two-lane road, then there’s little danger to you, the turning car, and other drivers, because everyone else is behind you anyway.
There’s this four-lane road I drive on before I jump on the highway on my way back home from work, and inevitably, thanks to rush-hour, some Good Samaritan stops and waves on the drivers in the left-turn lane from the other direction to go. Now generally they’re following the first rule in which their lane is stopped up ahead, and they leave space open to let the car facing them turn. I can dig it. They’re stuck in traffic and they’re practically staring the other person face-to-face. They’re close enough to see the whites of their eyes, as cool-ass gunslingers used to say. They don’t want to be stuck in traffic and know that the impatient motherfucker right next to them is bantering about what an asshole s/he is for not letting them turn. Well, I got news for you. This ain’t the Wild West! (Not yet, anyway, although we’re getting awfully close to it with this conceal and carry craziness. But I digress!) Fuck ‘em, I say, ‘cause my ass is not in the center lane and I’m gonna keep comin’ through ‘cause I’m getting on the onramp to the highway just ahead in my lane to get my dumbass home to drink a glass of wine (see first blog entry on my drinking schedule). You see? They ignored rule number two. Only allow someone to turn if there isn’t another lane next to you! You’re jeopardizing my safety and impatient motherfucker’s, too! Usually impatient motherfucker can’t even see who or what’s coming down the outside lane because there’s some gas-guzzling SUV that’s obscuring the view!
People like that drive me mad because I get all worked up about it but have to remind myself that the ignorant ass is trying to be nice. We can always use more nice people in the world. Just not dumb nice people. Is that asking too much??? Oh, and lest I forget, when they do good-natured things like that, it delays me (rule number one), and more often than not, I end up stuck for another turn at the red light as the Good Samaritan eeks through in time while the light is turning red again. Thank you!
Today I heard a car trying to start. Whrrr! Whrrr! Whrr! Vrroom! It started on the third attempt. Congratulations, I thought to myself as I enjoyed a surprisingly mild-weathered late morning on my porch swing with a cup of coffee. (It’s been hot as hell recently with record-breaking consecutive days of heat advisories.) Then the car came out of the apartment driveway up the street into my view: an early ‘90s model gold Saturn sedan. Badass then turned right onto the street and managed to squeal his tires leaving a gray plume of exhaust. He barely managed to squeal his tires, I should say. It was like for a quarter of a second, but damn, he must’ve felt pretty hard. I sat from my vantage point and gave him a fist pump in the air: Yeah! Badass! (He of course couldn’t have seen me lest he really is a badass who would’ve beat me up for offering him support in recognition of his badassness.) I wish I was that badass. I mean, that takes some balls. The tires squealing, errrr! Or, more accurately for this guy, er! Okay, I’ll give him two “r”s: err! Really, I was impressed.
Another thing that bothers me about drivers is when they stop about 10-yards behind the car in front of them at a traffic light, then they creep up six-inches at a time, every 15-seconds or so. I drive a stick shift and I’m behind some asshole that leaves all of this space between him and the car in front of him. Then, dude in an automatic transmission loosens the brakes just enough to creep up six-inches, then stops again. He waits 10 to 15-seconds, and creeps up another six-inches. Whoa! He went eight-inches this time. I can tell jerk-face is driving an automatic because the brake lights remain on as he creeps forward, and no driver in a stick-shift would purposely go through the trouble of pushing on the clutch to creep forward only six-inches at a time to fill the gap of 10-yards while we all wait for the light to change green. This forces me to creep up with him, lest people behind me become impatient thinking that I’m the one holding them up from their immediate destination: 6-inches closer to stopping again. Fine. What a bummer. I will follow the leader. I too am now forced to puppet this clownish behavior, as are all the other puppets behind me. Thanks, Puppet Master! And you don’t even have a clue that you’re temporarily all powerful in this freakish ritual that we’re subjects to…
Now I know that the tone of my writing(s) can suggest that I am an impatient, mean individual. On the contrary, I am quite nice! Really. (Okay, I can be a jerk, but I’m no asshole!) When I’m driving down a narrow street with cars parked on either side, I oftentimes wait to let the other person go first. If they let me go first, I always wave my hand in gratitude: Thank you! That’s very nice of you! If she’s cute, I mouth the words “olive juice” to her. I don’t know why the babes always look at me puzzled or even offended. You should try it next time you see someone that you find attractive that lets you go first. Mouth the words “olive juice”. They’ll love it.
I cannot stand it when it’s obvious I am waiting for another car to pull out or whatnot, just being polite because I think it’s the proper thing to do, and they don’t acknowledge my Jesus-like nature. I mean, WTF? WWJD? He might reverse-Lazarus your ass, that’s what! Just wave at me to be like, “Yeah, man. That was cool of you.” Nope! Fucking entitled motherfucking self-absorbed driver! I hate you! I might reverse-Lazarus your ass myself! Good thing I’m not Jesus. Just kidding, in case I offended any fundamentalists. My bad. Forgive me? WWJD? He would forgive me, so you should, too. I shouldn’t hate, though. But admittedly, I get pulled in.
Speaking of pulling in, don’t you love it when you’re waiting to turn into a parking spot of a crowded-ass parking lot and you even have your blinkers on indicating your intentions, and you’re waiting for some bitch coming from the other direction to drive-on past the empty spot so you can pull in, right? Wrong! Bitch done fucking took your spot! What? No you didn’t! I feel like drop kicking bitches like that. I’ll Hulk Hogan your ass. Instead, I shake my head like an old gray-/blue-haired lady in a moo-moo, and drive on looking for the next spot. Who knows? Bitch might have a Hulk Hogan of her own that might Undertaker my ass. Fuck it. I’m better than you, bitch. And may god strike down some harsh ass pain upon you. Oh, my bad. I forgot. I’m trying to prove that I’m nice. The lord bless you and keep you, my dear. But you get no “olive juice” from me, bitch!
Man, I could go on and on. I could probably dedicate an entire blog to this shit. Lastly, I have to say, I love it when I am driving the safe distance of the two-second rule from the car in front of me, and some shithead cuts me off to get over suddenly. You know, the two-second rule, where whatever speed you’re traveling, you should leave at least a two-second gap between yourself and the car ahead of you. So if a car in front hits a pothole, it should take you at least two-seconds to get to the same pothole, although I would advise you to avoid the pothole if you’re able. Anyway, driving with that kind of safe distance seems to be an anomaly because most people drive like we’re part of the same pack of camels traveling along the desert or something. When they see an opening, they’ll take it, forcing me to brake to avoid hitting them. Thank you! I love it!
Like I said, I could go on and on, and could probably write about my experiences with asshole drivers every day. But I will try to refrain so I can prove to the skeptics out there that I am really a nice person. Just don’t tailgate me asshole. Please? With a cherry on top? And if you are actually a nice enough person to let me pass first, or even better, if I am walking and at a crosswalk and you let me cross (as the traffic laws actually say you’re supposed to do), you’ll undoubtedly get a wave from me and a smile as I mouth the words “thank you.” And if you’re really lucky, I might throw in the words “olive juice.”
