Ah, it’s that time of year once again where the leaves change colors, the weather becomes less predictable and cooler, and the sunlight’s hue takes on a more intense yellow. I suppose the lattermost is due to the angle in which the northern hemisphere receives light from the sun… or maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t think so. I always notice that the sun’s hue starts to change in late summer, around mid-September or thereabouts.
Anyway, I wanted to share my experiences of Halloween 2010. Halloween is actually my favorite “holiday” as there is much less social obligation to be all happy and lovey dovey, if you know what I mean. Christmas and Thanksgiving is great and all but those damned television commercials drive me crazy, where I feel like I have to be all spectacularly joyful and how life is so great! (I can’t speak to Kwanzaa or Hanukkah but I’d imagine it’s similar.) Okay. Life has great moments, no doubt, and I have a lot to be grateful for, but man, it’s not always that way, is it?
Halloween, on the other hand, is fun because little children dress up walking around and getting candy. Some of my favorite memories include the anticipation of going around the neighborhood and collecting candy, then, slowly over the winter months, I would consume my favorite candies last. Sometimes I’d wait too long and the best ones, which were inevitably chocolate, would harden and turn that ashen gray-brown tone. Oh well. They were still tasty.
So now I reflect, as that special day, that last day of the month of October approaches. You see, whenever I think of Halloween, I think of little innocent kids looking all cute and stuff. For those that are not in the know, October 31st is All Hallow’s Eve, the day before All Saint’s Day. That’s why the cute little kiddies run around like ghosts and goblins saying little sweet nothings like, “trick or treat!” Okay. Most of the kids are still sweet – I’ll give them their props – but the older ones? Ummm, not so much. I just love it when those older teenage fucks come by and don’t even get dressed up! What the fuck are you, a teenager wearing what you’d wear any other day? Even worse, they might drive up to scope out the homes that still have candy and then come swooping down like mosquitoes in attack formation.
Even more annoying is the middle-classed adult who comes through with a bag to collect candy. These packs of assholes, whose 2-month old is sometimes dressed in costume attire, sometimes not, will park the chunky monkey’s buggy at the sidewalk and approach me as I nurse my beer, and won’t even say, “trick or treat!” Love it! Specifically, an adult man who appeared to be in his 30s and his 60-something father came by with his baby boy (dressed up) for Halloween. I found this odd, as he had a nice stroller, appeared to be doing fine financially, and yet he was getting candy, as though his little toothless baby was going to be eating those Snickers and Butterfingers I was giving out. (I give out the good shit, so the cutest kids get two…) I thought, perhaps his father is dying of cancer, and they wanted to experience this together before it was too late. Probably not, since his father looked perfectly healthy, walking through my neighborhood with his adult son who probably makes more money than me, and is gonna get fat from eating all of the chocolate that he managed to collect with total disregard to the ridiculousness of what he was doing. Isn’t this child exploitation? Maybe it’s an offshoot of the capitalist credo: take any edge you can get! I should’ve asked for candy from him instead, since his little boy would be having a hard time chewing the mother lode that pops had collected.
Relatedly, a girl came by last year acknowledging that she was dressed up as a “pregnant teenager”. I kinda felt badly for her, since she wouldn’t have said that had her friend she was accompanying not been quizzed by me as to what she was dressed up as (I always quiz older kids who come through without a costume). Her friend responded something generic like, “I’m a teenage girl!” I didn’t realize the second girl was even pregnant at the time. The pregnant one followed with her response, held out her bag with a slightly embarrassed air, fully aware of the social stigma of having a child as a teen. She seemed a sweet girl.
I wonder what I can expect this year. As mentioned, there are some very cute kids that come by with responsible adults. Well, sometimes they’re adults. Other times the parent is still a kid and (usually it’s his/her mother) the parent is collecting candy, too! I mean, at least dress up! Shit! I grudgingly give away a piece of precious candy, although I make sure they get my least favorite candy, despite the fact that I get only good stuff: Snickers, Nestle’s Crunch, Butterfinger, Kit Kat. Maybe this year I’ll buy hard candy in addition, like Jolly Ranchers, and just put one into the bags of those that are less worthy. Probably not, but I think of doing that every year.
Another nuisance trick-or-treat tactic is when kids actually ask for a replacement of the candy I put into their bag! I put in a Nestle Crunch and inevitably some shit will be like, can I have a Snickers instead? One kiddo said that to me and I responded, “How about I take whatever I want out of your bag?” He left without saying anything else. Wise decision…
I do look forward to Halloween, though. It’s the one day of the year that all of the neighbors are out at the same time and we can all wave and acknowledge that we recognize each other. Well, most neighbors I recognize, so long as they’re not wearing some crazy ass outfit. I make my rounds saying hello since in today’s world, you have to rely on your neighbors to look out for you: too many fucks out there that will fuck with your shit.
The other reason I like Halloween is it gives me an excuse to walk across the street with an open container to say hello to my neighbors. I don’t feel badly about it because if the kiddies get to walk around with candy, why not me? If I forget to look both ways before I cross the street because I’m too buzzed, at least this is probably the safest night to do it.
I just hope I don’t see that fool big bad candy daddy with his now one-year old child collecting candy. I might ask who’s going to be eating the candy if I see him again and say, “Hey man. You’ve gotten fat.” And when kids come by without their masks on because they’re too hot or tired behind the mask, I’m going to have them put it on so they can earn their candy. After all, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. No free candy from this Comrade, either!
What are you supposed to be again? Oh. Nice try. At least you dressed up. Here’s a Butterfinger. And you? What the fuck’s your costume? Huh. Niiice. Here: have a Jolly Rancher.
Happy Halloween, everybody!
