I was letting my dog out to pee, and once it’s later in the
evening we walk out sans leash to the backyard so she can do her business in
the lawn’s back corner, except I'm not so sure I can claim that it's a
"lawn". It’s mostly weeds with wild strawberry leaves and
occasional little red berries. Unbeknownst to me, a rabbit was chillin’
out in the front yard as I began to walk around the house, headed for the backyard.
Mr. Rabbit was like, “I hope they don’t see me. I’m just gonna hang
out and blend into the night like a ninja.” Well, my ninjutsu skills are
rusty but you betcha’ little miss doggie’s weren’t and boom! she was off to the
races! Fuck! Oh, I was pissed!
“Hey! Hey!” I yelled to no avail. The staccato
tapping of her paws against concrete was unbelievably fast. I saw the
rabbit use evasive maneuvers like Maverick in “Top Gun”: break right!
Break left! Meanwhile, the MiG – my she-dog – managed to cover a distance
of 100-yards in five seconds or some shit like that. She was tailing
rabbity Tom Cruise, quickly closing the gap; on his ass like stringy
shit that goldfish just can’t quite pinch off. (That’s gotta be
embarrassing for goldfish. If you were part of a school of goldfish,
you’d better hope you shit before or after school, but not while swimming in
formation as a school: ha ha ha! Look at Goldie’s stringy shit hangin’ off
her little ass! Do goldfish even swim as a school? Probably not,
but you get the point: that would suck.) Rabbity Tom Cruise, sensing his
afterburners were no match for the MiG, used a parked car for cover like it was
a cumulus cloud and veered right, flying across the street. The MiG pilot
was like, “I lost him! I lost him!” (Ninjutsu skills be damned at
this point! She had no clue where that rabbit went.) I saw
she-dog’s form disappear from the yellow-hued street light and vanish into the
dark between two houses. Man, it must’ve felt great to run like
that! But no time for admiration… I’m mad!
I followed her path to where she disappeared into – and by
this time well-through – a neighbor’s yard, and called out for her, quietly,
mind you, as I didn’t want to disturb anyone. I knew it was fruitless to
try to find her, so I walked back home, grabbed her leash and locked my front
door in preparation for Operation Doggie Rescue.
As I came out to the sidewalk, just as suddenly, I saw a
moving form approach me. There she was, trotting back in relaxed
fashion, totally content. I clapped my hands for her to come and she ran
directly to me. I was furious! Furious, I tell you! She knew
she was in trouble! I gave her a tap on her head, a quick verbal reprimand,
and although I was relieved she was safe, ooh, was I angry! And my
comrades, I even brushed her coat this afternoon because she’s shedding like
crazy! Boo! I should have been reading in bed or asleep but was now
wide awake!
I took her to the back to let her pee, but of course, she
took care of that down yonder in a neighbor’s yard somewhere. I felt so
betrayed. I, Jesus, she, Judas, this circumstance, Gethsemane. She
just laid down on the lawn and her shadowed face looked in my direction.
“C’mere!” I growled. She obediently came. I snapped my fingers
occasionally to ensure she’d remain fixed to my side as I thought to myself,
"Don't you leave your wingman, little miss doggie!" We went back to the front door, my eyes scanning for any other
rabbits. In my head I could hear Kenny Loggins belting out “Danger Zone”.
Truly, I was relieved she was safe. She was totally
bummed that she screwed up. You just can’t take away killer instincts
from a killer. She cowered into a ball whenever I approached her, totally
sad and sorry…-looking at least. The bad ass bass line from “Danger Zone”
faded away. She ain’t no Kelly McGillis, but she’s a cute one, my
she-dog. I pet her and warned her of the dangers of Tom Cruise. I
wondered if I should continue to allow her off leash to go pee late at
night. I already knew the answer… Yes. I just hope some crazy
engine-stall doesn’t happen in the future, resulting in a tailspin and a failed
emergency ejection. My heart always quivered with sadness when Goose’s
limp-ass body parachuted gently, silently into the ocean…
